5 Things Killing Your Transformation

What is killing your transformation, man?

We all want transformation. It’s part of being human. Standing in the now, you imagine, you see, something better in the distance. Now the big question. How to get there?

I love the process of transformation. It’s so freeing. The Bible claims we are created in God’s image. Pretty powerful stuff. The idea you can picture something and then, work and work until it’s the reality under your feet. We are creators. It’s our job to ride the waves, harness the wind, construct magnificent worlds.

If we are “creators,”, if we were created to create, why aren’t more people moving forward in transformation? It’s not that you don’t want it. So what is it then?

I think there are five things that could be killing your transformation. As you read them, you might notice all of them are true, to a degree, some more than others. We are human, and both tendencies live inside of us, the desire to fly and the inexplicable need to drag ourselves down. The trick is, to never lose sight of the dream, maneuver around the self-destructive behavior and work passionately and consistently for change. It’s the only way.

Let’s begin with identifying that behavior right now. Which killers live in your life?

• Transformation Killer #1: A general lack of self examination.

Do you remember Tonya Harding? She is best known for her sausage bangs, icy blue eyeliner, Triple Axle and kneecap-breaking-boyfriend. Essentially she was the worst US Olympic athlete ever to represent the United States. Filmmaker Nanette Burstein produced “The Price for Gold” as part of the ESPN 30 for 30 series, highlighting the (let me just say it) crazy relationship between Tonya and her nemesis, Nancy Kerrigan. If you want to know more, click away below, but for now I want to focus on Harding’s childhood friend, who referred to Tonya’s “fatal flaw” in in the closing moments of the film. She said,

“Tonya is her own worst enemy. And her tragic flaw is her inability to take responsibility and culpability for her actions.Tonya had learned to reinvent and create her own reality. And maybe that’s a survival tactic, but it’s really an unexamined life.”

 

You see, Tonya couldn’t move on. She is forever frozen in a child-like state, refusing to look in the mirror and figure out where she went wrong. And as a result, she will never move forward.

When you look in the mirror and ask, ‘who is the fairest of them all,’ do you demand approval? Are you prepared to hear the truth about yourself? Healthy transformation is about moving forward, embracing ALL the aspects of the now, asking questions about your progress,accepting responsibility for your part in the process, and humbly accepting your true reflection. Refusing to see yourself in truth is a death sentence for your transformation, throwing you into a concrete that will harden around your feet, making the journey of purpose-driven growth almost impossible.

• Transformation Killer #2: Seeing life as an episode of Days of Our Lives.

Have you ever counted the stressful moments in the life of a soap opera character? I will never forget watching in 13-year-old wonderment in the summer of 1983, when true love blossomed between Bo and Hope on the soap, The Days of Our Lives. He was a tennis instructor and she was a much younger, wide-eyed ingenue. Since then, Bo and Hope existed on the roller coaster, marrying each other twice, having 2 kids, surviving several kidnappings and rescues to include their daughter, sailing around the world, Hope’s amnesia, a paternity dispute, stealing a car and Bo’s pancreatic cancer that magically healed. I might be leaving a few things out.

I think sometimes, as we go through the very unsexy process of true change, we spice it up to keep it interesting. We are the hero or heroine in the dangerous journey to a better life. There are villains at work holding us back and freakishly resistant fat cells around our middle and thighs we wage war on every day. We escape a difficult marriage with shopping and wine and we avoid our work by gossiping with the neighbor. Every day is a drama, and we are just struggling against the bonds derailing our best life.

About 5 or 6 years into my marriage, I was going through a difficult time, blaming my very destructive behavior on my husband demeanor. One of my best friends cornered me in frustration with a few stern words. “Marriage is a whole lot of boring,” she said. She was right.

The process of change happens in small, incremental and sometimes barely perceptible actions and thoughts. It’s not dramatic. It’s focused behavior over a period of time. If you need drama to transform, you’ll be left exhausted, empty and pretty much in the same place as where you started.

• Transformation Killer #3: Skipping steps.

I know when I’m around someone who skipped the steps. They want to lose weight quickly and they gain the weight back. They don’t want to have to work in the trenches before they are promoted and they struggle as a leader. They skip the grieving process after the divorce and feel unexplainably sad in their new life.

I get it.

After spending most of my life hopping from one disaster to another, I woke up in my mid thirties ready to be a person. Since I was already a functioning adult, I didn’t want to go back and grow up. I didn’t want to deal with my completely insufficient knowledge of finances or destructive habits in romantic relationships. I didn’t want to have to ask forgiveness from the people I had wronged. I just wanted to “get on with it.” I’m not 22 anymore.

Yet I am 22 when it comes to finances until I learn to save. I’m 25 until I learn to invest. I’m 12 until I learn to speak the truth no matter what the consequences. The reality is, at times I feel like a child trapped in an adult body like Josh Baskin, the character Tom Hanks played in “Big.” I look like an adult, but there are many things I still have to learn and sometimes others will see my struggle.

You can’t skip the steps, though. Your growth comes from your actions, not your age or your social stature. Each stage in your process brings you both lessons and confidence. Passing them over will rob you of knowledge and bring great insecurity in your life. Don’t deprive yourself of the privilege of personal growth.

• Transformation Killer #4: Focusing on the wrong thing.

Transformation is actually not that complicated. You want to stay married? You need to work on communication, connection, uncompromising love. How about weight loss? You know the drill: a combination of healthy food, physical activity, water intake, proper sleep and manageable stress.

I’m not sure why but it’s easy to get us distracted isn’t it? With diagnosed ADHD (no kidding, when I was 22), it’s been a theme in my life. Healthy transformation is about consistent execution of the productive actions. In my coaching business, I see three distractions:

Approval: Hoping if you lose weight, someone will ask you out.

Comparison: Hoping if your house is big enough, you will be accepted more fully in your community.

Wishing: Hoping if you work out hard enough, you won’t have to watch what you eat.

Interestingly, you might actually achieve some of what you desire but I believe without the right “why,” long term transformation will escape you. Do it because it’s best for you. Do it because it will change your community. Do it because it’s just the right thing to do.

• Transformation Killer #5: Living a deconstructed life.

As a speaker and coach, this one is my favorite. We like to change the rules. We are creative by nature. We look for ways to break the transformation machine and speed up the process. Goodness knows I have. For the first third years of my life trying to be good enough in my work that you wouldn’t notice I never had any money and I was always in the middle of a fight with my husband.

After 17 seasons of The Biggest Loser, they have succeeded in proving one thing: it’s not about the weight. If it was, every contestant would be the envy of the public. The truth is in the results. After isolating them from the world to focus on nutrition and exercise, most of them gain it back. It’s not that the trainers don’t know what they are doing, or the “losers” aren’t working hard. Humans are just more complicated than a silly game show. Their self concept, the support of their community, the way they spend money, all contribute to their post-loser life.

We aren’t meant to be deconstructed, living separate lives romantically, financially, professionally, personally, physically. Everything in our being, in the seconds of our life, in our thoughts are inexplicably connected, and impossible to pull apart. You cannot separate your life anymore than you can isolate a drop of poison in your soup.

My final note:

Those big reveals are fun aren’t they? The bride walking down the aisle. The newly renovated home. The high school athlete going pro. The dramatic weight loss. And if you can picture it, your vision is possible. In fact, I believe your vision is part of the first steps in transformation. Every second in the journey matters. Every moment has a purpose. Don’t cheat yourself out of experiencing any of the steps on the path, no matter how boring or painful they appear. Instead, do the work, walk the walk. Feel all the feels.

If you can stick it out, you will be experiencing your dreams instead of talking about your wishes.

If you are interested in transformation, try Liz’s Transformation School. There are openings right now!

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