Seven ways to stay close to your college-aged kids

As my twin sons, Andrew and Jordan, start their second year of college, I am sitting here, expressing a prayer of gratitude for the closeness we share. I remember when I left for college. My newly gifted Honda Civic was a getaway car and my dorm room a bunker. My parents dropped me off, and after a lifetime of overprotection, and suddenlyI was free. In the span of a few weeks, I had missed my first classes, first chats on the phone, and avoided dinner at home altogether. Well, that’s a whole other story. My parents tried to stay connected but it was hard. How to continue the parent/child relationship but allow me to flourish?

My relationship with my children is different—they are so different than I was, full of kindness and maturity, open to allowing our relationship to transition into the next chapter. Because I had such a hard time growing up and away from my parents, I wanted my college-aged kids to experience something different. I wanted to continue to invest in them but not drive them away with my overwhelming and unreasonable love. I found it difficult to stay close to my sister after I left home and so I wanted to protect the tender connection the boys have with their sisters, Kendall and Faith. Both fiercely independent, the boys didn’t choose the same college and with two children still at home and limited finances, I had to find other ways to maintain our relationship.

The process of releasing a college age son or daughter is different for everyone. But no matter the personality and needs of your student, they need you to stay firmly planted in their life. There are the obvious, such as, try not to keep asking for more or go and root them on in their activities but below are a few other ways that worked for us:

College Connection #1: Change your relationship from protector to advisor.

It seems unthinkable. The little beings that barreled into this world, pushing aside any self-interest, personal space, extra time or money. After all, you could be put in jail for not caring for them properly. They became part of our definition of success, uncontrollable yet open to influence and shape. Their successes make our hearts soar and their disappointments drive to the core of who we are.

And then, after the seemingly interminable series of senior-year pomp and parties, it’s over and a new expectation takes over. The next logical steps are the opposite of the first moments of your relationship. In order to complete their cycle of maturity, they must leave the safe and comfortable embrace of your arm’s nook and move out. In a matter of months. Of course you are all excited but it’s all a bit much. Will they remember to brush their teeth? Will they call often enough? Will they choose nice friends? Will they not return at all?

Your not-so-little-littles flying the coop: it can be gut wrenching.

If you can, mellow out, particularly in the first months of this college transition. Pass the baton of life-ownership to them and resist the urge to correct or soothe them as they face these first few moments of life on their own. Remove yourself as their personal god and allow them to make decisions for their own life. Of course they will make mistakes (do I have some “Liz-Nead-college-stories” for you) but these autonomous choices will create the confidence they will need in a few years as they score their first official jobs, start a business or begin a life-long relationship.

 

College Connection #2: FaceTime or Skype.

It was 1989 when I eagerly flew the cuckoo’s nest and went to college. The mode of communication was cumbersome and elusive. I had to be in my dorm room, willing to pick up the phone and pull taut the cord to speak privately in the bathroom or the hall. I wonder now how my well-meaning and enmeshed parents handled not being able to see my face.

In those first few moments after the boys left for college, I missed the casual connection we had when they popped into the kitchen to tell me about their day, or interrupted my work to ask my opinion. Even just to see them lounging on the couch with their friends was a gift. Thankfully, the long, slow goodbye is buffered by video technology. Once a week (or more) I get to see their face through Skype or FaceTime, to get my fix and verify all is good by looking their eyes. As they study, eat in the “car” or walk back to their dorm, they get that sense of home, a dose of mother’s love, laughing and chatting as I make dinner or take a break from work.

College Connection #3: Write letters

Most schools assign students a mailbox, a little metal box with a small key the boys would have loved as a child. Often, it remains empty but for the invitations to mixers or an occasional note from a teacher or student. Care packages are perfect to get through finals but they are a bit of work, too unwieldy and expensive to be

Once a week, fill their mailbox with a taste of home. You know, most schools assign students a mailbox, one that stays pretty empty. I totally believe in care packages but sometimes a letter can do the next best thing. Write inspirations, a newsy recollection of all the people they know (sometimes they miss their old world, the bubble), or just let them know how much you miss and love them. If there are younger kids left in the household, include a refrigerator-worthy creation. Do it often!

College Connection #4: Use social media to keep them connected.

Choose your flavor, any flavor, Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, Vine, Periscope, and utilize it to share what is going on. Less invasive than a phone call, my boys love the peek into their life—how the girls are doing in cross country, the yummy dish I created for dinner. It’s an inside scoop only our family truly understands and they will always be part of it. The posts and updates remind them of their forever-home-base and a family that adores them.

So when you miss them, post a fun picture about what is going on. If it references a particularly funny or important memory, tag them. You may not exactly know what is going on in their world and you don’t need to. They just need to you are there for them and they will always belong to you.

College Connection #5: Create a text group.

It’s a sort of phantom pain, reaching for someone who isn’t there. The girls need a quick ride to a friend, I need a partner to toodle around the grocery store or I just want to talk about a funny story. Often I would quickly text them a funny note or reminder but it wasn’t until I added the whole family in a text and asked for a check-in that we started a true conversation. No matter where we were this summer, 11-year-old Faith at her first camp or Jordan taking a road trip to see his girlfriend, we had a forum to share what was going on in our lives without scrutiny or invasiveness.

I can’t take credit for this one. Putting gas in the tank, I heard a ding from the phone and saw my text group had been changed to “Family.” Kendall had decided to formalize the family text group. Create your own “insider” text group and watch the quirky exchange of information among the kids. There are benefits beyond what you realize: I found the younger nuggets stepped in for me, quizzing the twins if a silence lasted a bit too long. We message each other as we travel or need to verify information. It’s particularly good for the girls who want to let their older brothers know they ran a specific time on a race or got a good grade.

College Connection #6: Watch a show together.

One of our favorite pastimes (Sorry to the read-only-luddite-types) is relaxing on the couch watching Pixar movies or Netflix or Hulu marathons—One Tree Hill, Friday Night Lights and lately, Master Chef. We annoy each other by quoting the movie and talking over important dialogue. We stain the carpet with tipped over drinks and we leave pizza crumbs on the couch. We argue over which chef should go home and we imitate the judges, holding our forks up to the light. It’s one of our favorite memories just hanging out together.

This year, Andrew spent the summer working at his campus and Jordan left for college in the middle of the MasterChef season. And while we cant share a bowl of popcorn or a tub of cheap vanilla ice-cream on the couch together, we watch the show together from our various locations. Using our text group, we continue the conversation, taking special care not to spoil the next episode for anyone. And then, when we are together, we can pick up where we left off.

 

College Connection #7: Know their friends

Knowing my boys’ friends in high school was easy. I had 12 long years, through kindergarten round up, play dates, cross country meets and marching band competitions. When I walked in the door after a speaking engagement, I was often met with a slew of hellos from teenagers sitting on “the couch” laughing over a retro movie I once thought was cool. Now it’s a bit harder to know who they call their closest friends. They are sharing this new chapter with kids unmoored from their own families and when the boys share those new experiences, it feels a little like a recollection from a book I once read, not the lives of the children who once lived in my body. While I can’t know their friends with the slow and steady frequency of childhood, I can still enjoy their lives with him.

Take the kids out for dinner. Go visit them on a non-parent weekend with a bucket of cookies, enough for all their friends. Make sure the kids know their friends are welcome to come home on a weekend or a holiday. Remember those names and ask about the relationships when you are chatting. If you and your student are close enough, go to the caf with them and quietly enjoy them in their environment. Don’t correct them or teach them, just be together with one of your greatest accomplishments.

It’s a gift.

 

In the end, it’s going to be hard but let it go. Release them to the wild. You have done your best and now it’s best they learn the lessons of life in the driver’s seat. Really it’s good to tell them, this is your life and it’s time to put your stamp on your existence. Hopefully you have earned the right for intimacy.

Until they have kids, they may never know how much you love and miss them, but hopefully these little tips will keep you a little closer than before.