NINE amazing Mothers Day lessons I learned from my Indian mom.

My mother is a true lady. I grew up watching her navigate life as a change-agent, an immigrant, a naturalized citizen, the matriarch and life-partner to my father. My sense of motherhood, friendship, womanhood, and marriage have all been indelibly marked with her sense of appropriate dress, decorum, manners and morality. As with most strong mothers and daughters, we don’t always see eye-to-eye, but I cannot separate myself from her, for she is me.

She turned 70 this week, one week before Mother’s Day and in her honor, I write this blog. Mom, you have taught me so much—I had to choose from many lessons—(it was hard to leave the one about animal print of this blog, but another time) but these are my favorites. Happy birthday dear Alice, I love you.

• Mothers Day Lesson #1: Your life will be better if you allow yourself to be inspired.

At her core, my mom is a practical, risk-averse woman. I’m not sure my mom had a vision of going to the United States when she carried water skins along the pristine mossy banks in rich terrain of Ezholi, Kerala. She had her own dreams of education, taking care of her parents, maybe even a family. When she met my father, I’m sure his visions seemed overwhelming—leaving her family, her country to create a space in the United States of America. And somehow, with the help of her visionary God, she allowed herself to ride the wave of my father’s plans as she faced the United States and read his letters from the rooftop of her nursing school in Mumbai. He was vibrant and risk taking, unlocking her inner adventurer. The two of them started with next to nothing and today they have created a successful  life by anyone’s standards, two children, six grandchildren, and they have seen the world together. Vision was a good choice.

• Mothers Day Lesson #2: Ownership is empowerment.

When I was a teenager, I always wanted to borrow clothes from my friends. The jeans with the roller-skates embroidered on the back pocket, or the ever-coveted name-brand anything. My parents, however, had other priorities. They wanted to take advantage of the education and shield me from the temptations crowding around me. When my mother saw me wearing someone else’s Guess jeans, she would turn away in disdain. “Have you no shame?” I always dismissed it as the ramblings of someone from another country, someone who didn’t understand the lay of the land. She grew up with very little, but what she had was hers. She and my father built their life from nothing. With pride, she took care of her few dresses in India, with the same pride she carefully handled her first car, their studio apartment in Detroit, their first house, their new relationships, her first job, their first cross-country move. She wanted me to understand the power of the work of my hands, to be beholden to no one, to live in the freedom that comes from owning a little instead of owing much. To own my life.

• Mothers Day Lesson #3: The magic of life is in the hard work.

When I was 8 months pregnant with my 13 year old daughter, our family moved from an apartment to a home. My mom graciously zipped down from the Twin Cities to help us clean out our space with the intention of getting our deposit back. Being pregnant, I spent most of my time at the new place, trying to unpack and arrange my home before the baby arrived. When I returned to the apartment for one last look, I was amazed—it almost looked as if we had never lived there. I’ll never forget my husband shaking his head, admiringly, “your mom is no joke. She knows how to clean.” She’s always been that way, refusing to buy into ‘good enough’ or ‘good to go.’ Whether she was nursing, making my breakfast, attending church or getting her family ready for a vacation, she always did it with her signature of complete and total commitment. sort of signature. Of course, I’m not completely like her—there are moments when I rush, and cram too much into my day, but when my head graces my pillow in exhaustion, I feel her fire burning inside of me. The best day is a day you give it your all.

• Mothers Day Lesson #4: Love is fiercely loyal.

We’ve all made this mistake: you had enough of a mean friend and you made the mistake of telling your mom. Then, long after you let it go, mom held a grudge. My mom is an intensely loyal person. When she left India, she had to make friends, to create family and with that sense of ownership, she fiercely protects those she loves. If you are in her circle, she cannot allow you to feel less than (insert whatever you are thinking). Her relationship with my dad is beyond reason, we were simply not allowed to question him. There is a feminine power and mystique to her loyalty. She drove tirelessly between her home and mine when I began motherhood, staying up night after night to ensure I would be okay. She cannot leave my fathers side during surgeries, sleeping by his side in protectiveness. She went to school when she heard someone had called me a mean name that started with the letter N. That investment of loyalty made me who I am today. And I cannot help but pass it on, investing in others in that same way. Tirelessly, without seasons, consistent, loyalty.

• Mothers Day Lesson #5: Your job is to train your children to be better than you.

My mother never competed with me. She rarely tried to reduce the size of my emotions, my ego or my dreams. In fact, she used her experience as a baseline for my growth. If she was scared of crowds, her daughters would be fearless. She wasn’t able to go to medical school, so her children would be lifelong learners, without boundaries or limits to their career. Her every action was a sort of investment, and her joy was in her girls being taller, braver, smarter, better. I’m sure it wasn’t easy when we inevitably judged her in our teens (why don’t you live a bigger life, mom) but she never wavered. She knew she didn’t need to make us smaller to feel better.

• Mothers Day Lesson #6: There is no power in objectifying yourself.

Let me be clear, as a young woman, I wanted to objectify myself. From a very early age, I saw and craved the attention I got from being noticed for being pretty, even sexy. I know it freaked her out and I’m sure the very sight of all that skin made her want to cover me with one of those afghans she was always. If I wanted to create a diversion, all I had to do was slip on some short shorts or a plunging neckline. I always thought she was being a prude but as my daughters get older, I realize that she simply wanted me to live in my power. To be athletic, morally strong, bright, interesting and intelligent. She knew I didn’t need to fish for interest with my rear end or my chest. She was right.

• Mothers Day Lesson #7: Self acceptance is not an option.

Mom is categorical opposed to building others up in her presence without saying something kind about myself. Even the subtlest nuance of unkindness, even to wish to look like something else, is unacceptable. I’ll never forget a moment when my college-aged sister was having a hard time with life. My mom was momentarily obsessed. Her life-work, the care and feeding of two daughters, was in question. Simply put, her girls had to think well of themselves. She wrote and visited and called. One letter in particular, is the stuff of motherhood legend. My sister was to face the mirror (in her mind or literally) and repeat a set of affirming truths to herself, from the curls in her hair, the shape of her nose, down to her legs and toes. Over my lifetime, I have already received hundreds of notes from my mom, all with one goal, to ensure I am thinking the right way. To accept myself. To allow the best of who I am to outshine anything I don’t like. For her, a scary abyss exists beyond self acceptance. I tend to agree.

• Mothers Day Lesson #8: A commitment to service should not be confused with weakness.

As a nurse, mom is a natural caretaker, but don’t confuse her kindness for weakness. She doesn’t like to be run around.  She has an agenda, a way of living and she sticks to it. In response, we all tend to respect  her time. At the end of the day, she always looks groomed, her house ready for company, her workouts complete the made-from-scratch dinner warming in the over.You may only see grace but it is by design. Under that heart of the earth mother vibe, she is made of steel.

• Mothers Day Lesson #9: Be the FBI with your children and don’t apologize for it.

I can’t imagine what God was thinking when He paired a highly energetic child with ADHD and structured and spiritual parents. Yet, here we are. My mother took personal responsibility for ensuring I would not easily go by the way of sinners and harlots. She ransacked my room when I wasn’t there. She fearlessly and unapologetically read my journal. She popped up at school to check the hem of my shorts. She prayed for me, suggested to me, pled with me. She never gave up. She has not given up. And while it chafed and hurt and we probably could have done it differently, I received the investment in the deepest part of me. I am loved. I am worth it. I am cherished. I belong.

So thank you mama. You will probably not stand on stage in front of thousands. You have no desire to bare your soul on a morning talk show. But you are part of me and every where I go. Every bit of encouragement I give others is you. You are every cliche, the fire in my belly, the wind beneath my wings, the essence of my womanhood. I can never repay you. I can only hope to pay it forward and teach my sons and daughters the same.