Happy Anniversary Hubz! 15 lessons for 15 years

Fifteen years ago, Ken Nead married Liz Nead. Our life together has been a roller coaster for many reasons. Some were utterly self-inflicted. Other circumstances were magical happenstances. Bad divorces, promotions, visitation, legal and financial troubles, menopause, 40th birthdays, 50th birthdays, 7 children, we are still married. Even more interesting, after 15 years, I still want to be married. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. In honor of our love, I am sharing with you 15 lessons, one for every year we have been together.

Anniversary Lesson #1: Never stop getting to know each other.

They say you regenerate your cells every 7 years, which isn’t exactly accurate, but I can tell you Ken and I are no longer the people who met each other at Drake University in an MPA (Masters of Public AdministratIon) class. In the beginning, we spent a lot of time getting to know each other- he found out about my lactose intolerance in an unfortunate pit stop at Steak n’ Shake on the way back from Branson. I realized the “poo-ing” sound he made when he was sleeping was genetic, as several of his family members did the same thing. But 17 years later (2 years of dating before marriage), as retirement grows closer for him and I found my purpose in Nead Inspiration, we have changed. Every day brings something new. And tomorrow will do the same.

Anniversary Lesson #2: Accept the shift and imbalance of a life together.

When we met, I was a mess. He was kind of a mess too (both of us recently divorced) but if trophies for nuttiness had been handed out, I would have been awarded the “biggest human disaster” award. I couldn’t rent an apartment with my terrible credit. There weren’t enough glasses of wine to exorcise the anxiety flowing through my veins. Furthermore, I truly preferred to avoid the immediate truth if at all possible. When I founded Nead Inspiration, I transformed into this Liz 2.0 empowered person who cared about turning off the lights in the house because I paid for the electric bill. At first it was a bit uncomfortable for him (he wanted to remind my judgmental rear-end—I hadn’t been this together not so long ago) but he maintained his foundational pride for me and we continued on. Sometimes you will be the strong one. And then it may be your partner’s turn. Don’t get comfortable, it’s only going to change. Instead, get comfortable with your connection and work to maintain it.

Anniversary Lesson #3: Be ready for it to be completely unfair.

I know this may surprise you (sarcastic voice) but the co-production of our life is not divided into equally apportioned activities. He does more driving than me. I handle most of the cooking. And sometimes I feel like I’m doing EVERYTHING. It’s normal. No need to get mad at him. I have learned to deal with the fundamental unfairness of marriage very practically— just ask him to help me set the table, rather than punishing him for being completely disinterested in culinary development.

Anniversary Lesson #4: You have to laugh together. In fact, it should be a goal.

Ken is a 20-year, retired Army Major. He’s sort of an intense guy, given to gleefully enjoy movies in which people get blown up rather than laughing over the comedic stylings of Will Farrell in Anchorman (one of my favorites). Yet, there was a moment we laughed uncontrollably in our first months of marriage that we will never forget. Remember, Ken? It’s my mission to make sure we laugh together, no matter what happens. It’s greases the wheels of marriage in every way (yes, in EVERY way).

Anniversary Lesson #5: Force yourself to make out. And talk about it.

While our physical attraction was easy and natural in the beginning, keeping s-e-x authentic and consistent in the long term is a challenge. Time, connection (see the lessons around fighting), the aging process, the kids, the changes—all these things can get in the way of a “good time.” What I do know is real marriage is not nearly as steamy and hot as movie-marriage. So, you’ll need talk about it. Ask what your partner needs right now. Believe them. Find space and time in your life for whatever mental, emotional and physical warm up is needed to get THERE. And don’t give up by letting a drought of intimacy turn into a famine. I can’t believe it but the connection we have now is better than in the beginning because it’s authentically US.

Anniversary Lesson #6: For the ladies- make sure he knows everything about the aging woman.

There were quite a few chemical surprises that awaited me as I crossed the over-40 threshold. Loss of libido was the biggest one (you should have seen me in my first two years of college) but there was so much more. Turns out my husband didn’t know a lot about the aging woman either so I set out to educate him with online articles and personal experiences to ensure he didn’t think my completely changed sexual perspective and all the vitamin imbalances and the tiredness were personal in any way. Don’t laugh—it was really helpful for him and it probably responsible for getting us from year 13 to year 15.

Anniversary Lesson #7: Have no privacy.

Allow your love to access to your Facebook private messages and e-mail, your schedule and whatever else is going on in your computer. My journal is even open season for Ken, although I have warned him, it might be a stupid move since there are just a few negative references to him (well I have to vent somewhere!). Accountability is essential to a happy and long relationship. Your partner shouldn’t need to check up on you—you have bigger problems if they do—mainly because you are open and honest with them. Encourage him to ask when he wonders about something and at that moment, I promise it is in your best interest to be honest. People have a nose for authenticity.

Anniversary Lesson #8: Surround yourself with people who support you, both of you.

I’ll never forget the GNO when I realized the importance of this lesson. I was on a rant, as per usual in year 4 or 5 of my marriage. Ken was mad at me for spending time away from me (he used to be quite jealous) and I needed to release the negative energy before I could enjoy the time with my girlfriends. As both of them jumped on my bandwagon, I felt the shift to defensiveness, because I only hated the hubz in the moment, not forever. I had to remind them to support my desire to stay married. Their opinion could very easily break us up. Just a few weeks ago, 10 years later, I had another vent-filled moment and talked to each of those women on the phone (separately) and they fulfilled their duty, honoring my request so long ago, asked the hard questions but continuing to support my goal of marriage. I owe them both an impossible debt. My cheerleaders, counselors and friends. I couldn’t have stayed married without you.

Anniversary Lesson #9: Don’t pretend to be perfect in public.

You’ve seen it haven’t you. They seemed so perfect and then suddenly they disappear from social media without warning and you stumble upon one of them with a new “friend” at one of those paint and wine parties. You know, if I had known you were having a hard time, I would have talked with you, supported you, been your double-date for marital success on Friday nights. I truly believe striving for perfection, impersonating perfection, rings the death knoll for your marriage. It’s just too hard. Just be real. Solutions can show up when you are real.

Anniversary Lesson #10: You will disagree and argue. Don’t worry! You are supposed to! Side note: as soon as you celebrate your awesome life together, you will start fighting.

A sister to lesson 9, this one is about the real in relationship (ok not exactly a perfect fit but you know what I mean).  Accept that marriage is a sort of cosmic joke. Two people, living together, sharing everything, never to stray from each other to achieve a sort of personal and inter-spiritual bliss. The situation is bound to make you want to kill someone. Just disagree. Work it out. Express the real you. Work it out. Yell, cry, love, fight. In the right moments, it’s simply part of the journey. HARMONY at all costs is NOT the point of marriage. As a side note: if you do feel you have reached a plateau of harmony, which definitely happens, as soon as you celebrate it, you can almost count on a fight that night. Okay maybe that’s my relationship.

Anniversary Lesson #11: You are not a matching pair- stop treating yourself like dish ware.

Have you witnessed this? Someone who thinks they should be exactly like their spouse. They take up running suddenly. They become weirdly prolific in the subtler nuances of fly-fishing (me in senior year of college). They go out and buy a Kentucky sweatshirt. Of course it may feel uncomfortable to disagree around political beliefs or which way to load the toilet paper. Just let it go people. Accept and embrace the contrasts. Get to know each other. Cheer each other on. And whatever you do, don’t demand—don’t even discourage—an activity they enjoy. Let them go and have fun. They will come back, I promise!

Anniversary Lesson #12: Live your life in front of each other.

I used to do this, early in our marriage. I “prepared” for our time together. I cleaned and cooked and shopped when he wasn’t around. I had all my important conversations with my girlfriends in solitary car-rides. I went shopping alone and left the newly purchased booty in the trunk of the car (isn’t that what it’s for??)Then, we were together, it was the Ken and Liz show—all about US. Later, he would run into someone and realize I had been doing a lot of “living” away from him. He suspiciously eyed my new shoes, knowing I got them in those gaps between “US time” and felt the lack of intimacy. Some good things happened when my life, every second, became part of Ken’s life. I had more energy (didn’t have to arrange everything so perfectly), he became less FBI-like, and he also appreciated all that I actually do for our household.

Anniversary Lesson #13: Embrace the whole “union” thing.

Christianity describes marriage as a holy union. It seems oppressive, the way the Bible describes it, an impossible combination of self-less love and submission. At the end of it all, when I allow him in to my heart completely and braid my soul with his, his pain is my pain. My money is his money. Our disillusionment and success and dreams and uncertainty are one. I can’t leave him behind any more than I can leave a body part behind. Being separate takes the beauty out of the process. I cross the 15 year mark with him, proud that I can love him in this way, and SHARE all that I am with him down to the hard earned successes and financial rewards. Be fiercely loyal about the little island of life called your marriage. It will be worth it in the end.

Anniversary Lesson #14: Spiritual intimacy is essential.

More important than the sex thing is the soul thing. Feed his soul. Connect in silence, prayer and meditation. Go to church together. Worship together. Strive spiritually. Together. It WILL make everything amazing. And, in your own silent moments, express your gratitude that you have someone to love, who loves you. Pray for your partner’s life and future. Because, if you read #13, you are also praying for your own.

Anniversary Lesson #15: Dream. dream. dream. And take him with you.

My marriage doesn’t hold me back from dreaming, although our life is over full, almost burdened with responsibility. Last year, I summited Mt. Kilimanjaro on the 4th of July. Alone. And yet simultaneously in Iowa, my husband took every step with me, rooting me on, praying for me, sometimes crying for me. He knew how much I hate being cold. He worried about my oxygen intake (rightfully so) and when I returned transformed, he was waiting for me with a big and proud smile. It’s not always easy to dream together. But it’s so worth it.

Happy Anniversary Ken Nead, this is only the beginning.