I can’t deal with her crying! FIVE DARES for Strong Women and their Communication Issues

I am a loud mouth.  A strong, broad-shouldered (in my head, anyway), arguing, bantering, debating woman.  I don’t mind asking for more towels, raising funding for my television show or thinking on my feet.  I LOVE getting up in front of an audience and speaking the truth!

I have a secret, though.

I hate confronting people who have hurt me.

Yes, it may seem strange, strong women who avoid confrontation but the real FEAR is about negotiation.  Women’s apprehension over negotiation is 2.5 times more than men, according to Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever of Carnegie Mellon.  

Everyone has a negotiation weakness, a space they would prefer not to confront the truth.  A strength in one area does not necessarily translate to strength in all situations.  I put a list of my least favorite “communication issues,” and asked a few “strong” women to identify which they struggled with the most and why.

1. The Super Silent Strength Sapper.   You may have done something wrong, your first clue, the ominous cricket-y silence.  The silent treatment is a power move, a gauntlet thrown down to you:  figure out what is wrong with me or I will allow our chasm of silence to grow into a relational canyon.    Kristen, a funny, outspoken and successful realtor, feels the silent treatment is a game of manipulation.  If she can speak her mind, why can’t they trust her enough to lay it out there?
2. The Emotional Gladiator.  Some people FEEL DEEPLY and when you try to confront the truth, they become an Emotional Gladiator- building a wall of tears and anxiety until it seems impossible to get at a real discussion of the problem.  Kari is a fashionable and frank female entrepreneur, and dealing with the Emotional Gladiator is her least favorite communication issue.  She strives to create productive dialogues but it seems sort of unfair to remove her own emotional responses to get through the process.

1. Emotional Pirate.  A cousin of the silent treatment, the Emotional Pirate holds certain topics hostage.  As long as you don’t address the “hot spots,” you feel connected.  But, come close to a real problem and the relationship grows cold.  Bonita is a triple threat, handling a corporate position, a small business and a music career yet she struggles to handle the emotional pirate.  She maintains the relationship will eventually wither for her is she is not able to effectively address the issues.
2. Confrontation Constipation. Sometimes it’s not about the other person- you need to air your issues.  You don’t want to seem crazy, you don’t want to blow it out of proportion, but you are feeling bad and it’s someone else’s fault!  Joann is a charming newlywed and student who seems to get what she wants through charm.  When she needs to confront someone’s behavior as hurtful, she finds herself very anxious.
3. Need nothing syndrome.  Usually, you are the one with the answers.  People come to YOU for help.  Part you of thinks your friends and family should be able to see your needs but when it’s time to ask for what you need, the words stick in your throat.  Caron is a thoughtful and savvy employment specialist and recruiter but struggles with creating boundaries with certain people who treat her poorly.  If they don’t get it, Caron feels it’s a waste of time.

Even though the five situations are very different, they share some common assumptions.

• They should know.  If we all enjoyed a collective consciousness, everyone would automatically know what they are supposed to do.  Many things get in the way of “knowing,” most likely the ego who preserves our sense of safety in our “rightness.”
• They won’t accept my truth.  Even thought your truth may not be shared, most negotiation anxiety comes from the assumption the other person will not understand or accept your feelings.  The truth is you both may have to agree to disagree about your truth.
• They won’t be able to handle negotiation.  You might feel it’s an unfair fight and the person you need to talk to may agree.  If you use your skills in all their glory, you may win the argument and lose a relationship.  How much is the relationship worth if you can’t use the skills you use for buying a car with a relationship with a human?

Effective communication isn’t about getting acceptance or proving truth.  It is about building bridges of understanding with various perspectives.  Trusting your own instincts and the goodness in others.  Now, it’s time for some DARES!

•  I dare you to break the silence in love.  Tell the person who is giving you the Silent Treatment there is an open door when they are ready to talk.
• I dare you to civilly express your feelings to that person who is hurting you.  Take a deep breath, set up a time to talk and just say it, clearly and kindly.
• I dare you to ask for time from someone who isn’t making time for you.  I know they should know you need it, but imagine you are not the center of their universe and trust they love you.  Besides, they will probably love seeing your need for them!
• I dare you to ask your friends for help in an area of personal struggle. Don’t take it too seriously- it could be dating, clothing or decorating- just ask for help!
• I dare you to set up a time to dialogue with an Emotional Gladiator.   Bring a kit (tissues, chocolates, music) and let them get it out.

Give a dare a whirl and see what happens.  My guess is you will be surprised not only at the other person’s reaction but the light feeling you have in your soul.  Good luck!

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