Are you living a FEAR-less life?

During a break in Life Dare filming a few days ago, I excitedly told my guests about my idea for another episode.  So far, none of the topics were particularly scary to me and I

wanted to model “Bringing Life Back to Every Day Life,” facing the tiny fears hiding in our lives and conquering them.  The dentist FREAKS me out; it’s probably going to be painful for me since I’ve avoided dealing with some dental issues for a few years.  I know I’m not alone!  I thought it would be really encouraging for people to see me not only deal with the issues in my mouth but also the ridicule I’m afraid I’ll face for letting it get that bad.  Before I could get much further in my description, one of my guests laughed all over my words and shoo-flied me away with:

You aren’t really afraid of dealing with issues, so…

The lie.  I tried to protest but it was clear I had fooled everyone in the room.  The truth is very different.  I am afraid.  And when I’m afraid, really stupid things seem to transpire, like teeth that need to be fulled or big bills that I have to face.  So how did I get so good at looking fearless?  It’s easy, I just avoided everything that twisted my stomach in trepidation.  Spend my time in activities that I am able to master.

Fearless vs. fear-less.  (It’s not good to live a life without fears by the way).  The problem with fear-less living versus FEARLESS living is the lack of exercise. If you don’t use those bravery-muscles, you atrophy.  The will to face your fears becomes smaller and the fears become monsters.  Soon you spend more time off the rails then on, further and further away from the powerful center that is your purpose.

Liz is afraid of:  I want to be very clear about what my fears are, because it’s not really TEETH or BILLS.  They can be divided into three categories:

1. I’m afraid of the consequences of my stupidity.  Sometimes I don’t want to face the big picture and see what has happened. I  don’t want to feel sad and ashamed that I didn’t take of business.
2. I’m afraid of rejection/ disbelief.  There is a tiny second grader Liz living inside of me.  That little girl was rejected for the color of her skin and her gargantuan personality.  When I see your disbelief part of me wants to run away and start over.
3. I’m afraid I don’t have what it takes.  This is just my own feelings of self-rejection and disbelief.  It’s easy to choose to fly under my potential so I don’t have to face those facts.

What fear did to Liz:  For years, these fears ran my life.  My romantic choices, my career plans, my geographic changes, my health decisions, my financial moves were all controlled by my fears.  The result:  a lovely and energetic woman perpetually living below her capacity as a human.  My unanswered fears did three strength-sapping things to me for the first 35 years of my life.

1. It immobilized me.  I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t act.  I would choose to NOT.  
2. It distracted me. It’s hard to aim for the bullseye when you are turning  your shoulder away from your panic.   I couldn’t focus my plan when a great deal of my energy was spent not focusing on my fears.
3. It changed my trajectory.  Avoiding fear means I did NOT take the shortest, most meaningful trip between point A and point B.

Fear dressed up:  My fears left a trail of craziness breadcrumbs behind me.  Once you know my patterns, it was easy to see my fear, even if I couldn’t.  I engaged in three primary behaviors.  Any of these sound familiar?

1. I would stop the process.  I quit going.  I cut people off.  I stopped the conversation.  I left the school.  I moved.  I changed situations.  Starting over seemed easier than facing my fears.
2. I got busy.  If I was productive enough, you wouldn’t be able to see the cracks of anxiety.  Better yet, I would be too busy to acknowledge much less feel the fear.  Eventually, I could convince myself I wasn’t afraid of it anyway.
3. I gave up.  My thoughts:  It must be just the way I am.  I must really be damaged.  My destiny is to live in a fear-controlled live where I would never see certain parts of the world or master my finances.  What do you believe?  Will you never lose the weight, find love, become truly happy?  That’s the fear talking, my friend.

FIVE steps to fearless living!  In a way, my guest is right, I have learned NOT to live with my fears.  I can see them now and I hope those fears are not comfortable because they will not be part of my life for long!  So what did I do?  How did I go from fear-ridden paralytic to the brave fear-slayer I am today?

1. Be real.  This is me being real.  Acknowledge your fears.  Name your fears.  Answer the question honestly, what are you afraid of?
2. Let it out.  Share it with others.  Say it out loud so you can hear it and decipher what is real and what is a wild and twisted story swirling in your head.  Speaking it can put the fear in it’s place.
3. Consider it.  Your thoughts have some merit.  The basis of your fears are rooted in RISK and unnecessary risks should be avoided.  Just remember, risks are something but usually not everything.
4. Decide.  Decision is the opposite of avoidance.  You have a variety of choices besides avoidance.  Break your response to your fears into a series of actions and do what you can.  Don’t worry about running a marathon.  Don’t worry about paying the whole debt.  Don’t worry about when you will get married.  Run one step.  Pay one bill.  Go on one date.  It may be one small step but it will signify your decision to move through your fear.  
5. Keep at it. Now it’s time to rinse and repeat.  Your ability to face your fears will develop over time if you start using those muscles and keep using those muscles.  I know it’s trite but the BEST all time

   

   sports/ triumph scene from Rocky reveals the empowerment of facing fears.  It wasn’t after he pushed through the pain that he was able to feel the joy at the top of the stairs.  (I’m a sucker for Rocky movies).

Look for more inspiration from Liz by watching Life Dare TV!  Don’t be afraid, try a challenge of your own with the 30 Days of You community.  Or, book Liz as a speaker for your organization with Nead Inspiration!