Relationship Inspiration: 6 Reasons you should fight in public.

About a month ago my husband and I got “into it” at our daughter’s basketball game.  Don’t worry, no fists flying, or particularly angry barbs.  Just a little marital shadow boxing; a little jab here, a little jab there.  More sexy teasing than real fighting, in my opinion.  One of our friends and team parents, Matt Smith (name not changed to protect the innocent), made a comment.

“You aren’t fighting again are you?”

His comment jolted us out of our fighting foreplay.  Of course I had to inquire further.

“Last time I was with you, it didn’t seem you liked each other very much.”

My husband Ken’s response to Matt’s response was very male and predictable:  assume an glazed over gaze.  Whether Ken cared or not, you would not be able to tell.  So inscrutable was his facial expression, you might want to poke him to see if he did not just lapse into a emotional-deficiency coma.

I, however, hotly defended our exchange.

“We don’t like each other all time!”

“What, are you worried about us?  Fighting doesn’t break US up!”

“Maybe if more people fought…”

And then, as my husband retreated even further into the emotionless abyss, I decided to let it go.  Instead, I write this blog, dedicated my good friend Matt, who had only good intentions when he wanted to whip out a magical remote control and “turn the channel” on our fight.

Matt, here are 6 reasons why I think Ken and I will probably fight, IN PUBLIC, forever.

FIGHT IN PUBLIC Reason #1:  You learn how to dissent.

The goal of marriage, or long term romantic relationships is not harmony.  In fact, pre-marital advice states it’s best to fight even before you tie the knot.  Of course I hope you get along more than you don’t.  But, having that one person who doesn’t take your crap, challenges your ideas and doesn’t buy into the public version of you, can actually hone your character and make you a better person.

FIGHT IN PUBLIC Reason #2:  It’s kind of sexy.

I believe the sassy-Liz, while sometimes infuriating to my husband, is also kind of sexy.  A tension-filled banter that can only lead to…well I’ll get to that later.  When our buddy, Matt, encouraged us to pipe down, I was teasing Ken about the irony yelling at the referees, when he-himself is a referee.  I actually said (yes, out loud in front of Matt and other adults in the stands) I would make a digital short about his referee-self throwing his spectator-self out of the game.  Sure, Ken was irritated; he felt criticized.  But when I grabbed his leg to soften my words, there was something intimate about the exchange.  If you haven’t tried it, you should.  It’s electric.

FIGHT IN PUBLIC Reason #3:  A little skirmish might head off “the big one.”

It’s better to “have words” when you need to, than to wait until later and have one big displaced blow out.  If you focus on maintaining the peace, you lose the opportunity to voice your needs.  I’m not saying you should nag and nitpick your partner to death.  Just be honest.  While the emotional exchange might be uncomfortable, you are developing the skills to disagree and choose a variety of responses (ignore it, tease back, stand your ground, have it out).  At any rate, Ken and I are prepared for the natural disasters we will face over a lifetime together.

FIGHT IN PUBLIC Reason #4:  It helps you stop pretending.

You might actually stay together longer, if you admit you have some things to work out.  Pretending to be happy doesn’t equate to harmony.  Your Facebook feed reflects a perfect relationship, full of selfies, exotic vacations and grand gestures.  Sometimes an on-the-spot-exchange, “what’s wrong with you, you look irritated,” and the response, “I want to be able to cheer for my daughter without you criticizing me,” solves the problem.  I would rather spend a week in mud with my husband being real than to spend a lifetime being afraid to ask, “what’s wrong.”

FIGHT IN PUBLIC Reason #5:  They need to see you work it out.

Have you ever been shocked by the “never-ever-fights couple” who suddenly gets a divorce?  Aside from the other four points I’ve made that may have led to what looks like an abrupt breakup, let me ask you a question.  Who do you see fight and get over it.  Where is THAT prototype for relational success?  When you fight in public, you are surround by crowds of  happy, laughing couples, having a grand old time.  You turn inward in shame, thinking, we aren’t normal.  No one is fighting but us.  Newsflash:  Everyone fights.  Anyone who is in a real relationship fights.  It doesn’t mean you should break up.  It means you should get your feelings out, listen and work it out, together.  Do your children a favor and fight in front of them too, once in a while.  They also need to know that fights are normal and can easily be worked out.

FIGHT IN PUBLIC Reason #6:  You get to make up.

I hope every person reading this post has been able to enjoy make-up sex.  There are actual studies about why it’s so good.  For a second, you rip off the mask and if you are really good at this, you rip your partner’s off too.  You stop making assumptions and taking your person for granted.  You decide, in a sort of recommitment, that you are going to work it out and then, the passions burn a little brighter.  There is kissing, a connection and the sex feeling all the more meaningful because that passion translates to the positive side.  Arguing shows you care.  Your person can rile you up because they have that connection with you.  And making up can be soooo good.

FIGHT IN PUBLIC disclaimer.

Matt, I so appreciate your concern.  I know it came from a loving place; you just wanted to make sure everything is okay, the subject of another blog post (should you confront couples in trouble).  I don’t think you should fight all the time. No matter what, it’s the open forum and open mind in both public and private that will foster long term bliss.   And I don’t believe that every perceived infraction is an invitation for public criticism.  But, I do believe that speaking the truth and working it out is the ultimate marital cement, and aphrodisiac.