Girlfriend Inspiration: 9 Life Mistakes Women Make

It was five years ago.  After a day of pushing and rushing I stood triumphant on my “to-do” mountain.  Yet in my flush of accomplishment  I was tired, depleted and to be honest, in a bad mood.  Why?  I was hungry, I wanted a glass of wine and it wasn’t 5:00pm yet, I was mad at my girlfriends and I felt fat.  In the midst of taking care of everyone else, I had become my own worst enemy.  I’ve made some of these life mistakes at some point in the last ten years, how about you?

Life Mistake #1:  You starve yourself.

There are two models to American starvation in 2013.  Either you eat constantly while taking in very few vitamins and minerals needed by your body to thrive, or  option number two- you stingily count your calories, a piece of toast and a cup of coffee, triumphant as you reach the end of the day with the least number of calories possible. Food is your fuel!  Starvation and deprivation robs you of your future, in bone density, mental agility AND adds to the fatty congestion around your organs, even mental quickness.  The number on the scale, the size 2, 4, 6 cannot be worth the present and future health you deserve.

Be smart:  Figure out how many calories you actually need.  Start eating things that are high in nutrition AND taste.  Stop alternately eating and starving your feelings and figure out what your feelings are.

Life Mistake #2:  You try to keep up with other people.

Social media provides a constant stream of false-front updates, well-angled selflies, exotic vacations, high-achieving children and partners, accolades and achievements.  While such abundance could be cause for celebration, an underlying social darkness accompanies the light, creating what Belinda Goldsmith calls, “social envy.”    You were doing fine and then you feel you need to lose weight, your family trips are lackluster, your partner just isn’t measuring up.  You realize your need to clear your carpets, buy your husband a new wardrobe, get a haircut and grow your mane out, all at the same time.

Be smart:  Decide what you actually want and need and reach for it. Celebrate others’ success; it will raise the likelihood you will experience the same success and gratitude in your future.

Life Mistake #3:  You drink too much.

We ladies are the fastest growing binge drinkers in the western world, according to Wall Street Journal.  The reasons to drink are many, to smooth out the edges of those transitions, from home to work, work to soccer practice.  We celebrate with a glass of wine, birthdays, promotions, holidays.  We use alcohol to calm our social anxiety.  We have “just one” before dinner, at cocktail hour, even at lunch or brunch.  The reality is we are one of the fastest growing groups of drinkers and it shows.  And, it doesn’t work; the endless stream of empty calories leave you tired, depressed and wanting more.

Be smart:  Determine what is really going on. Drink socially, but watch those rules (I only drink with others, I only drink two, I only drink after 5).  Deal with your feelings first, drink second.

Life Mistake #4:  You won’t let things go.

Your drug isn’t food or drink, it’s righteous indignation.  You constantly decry the demise of humanity.  Why don’t they RSVP?  How could they say that?  How dare they?  You remember, in vivid detail the embarrassment, the betrayal, the disappointment and you are ready for more to come.  The truth?  It makes you feel superior to know that you are the best behaved.  And, you are scared that you will be hurt again so you anticipate the next wrong.

Be smart:  Focus on yourself, not others.  While you don’t need to be in overly negative relationships, learn to draw and enforce personal boundaries.  Look for the good in others.  No one ever died of a broken heart.  You’ll be fine.

Life Mistake #5:  You lose your personal ambition.

You used to be an HR executive.  When you were in your 20’s, you paid all your bills on your own.  You traveled extensively.  You lived in New York City.  Today you are focused on how your lawn stacks up to your neighbor’s greens, the nutritional balance in tonight’s meal, your children’s reading log and your partner’s Christmas party.  You can’t imagine working, you rarely read challenging material and you aren’t sure who the Prime Minister of Great Britain is, (not sure you care).  Even if you have a challenging job, you don’t have time (read: won’t allow yourself) to picture your future life.  In fact, you’ve made a switch from judging yourself for your accomplishments, to evaluating your success through the accomplishments of your partner or your children.

Be smart:  Ask any 90 year old woman and they will tell you, your time being the chief cook and bottle washer is only a small part of your life.  Make sure you are cultivating YOU and your vision of both today and the future.  Challenge yourself.  DOn’t worry- it will make you a better partner, mother, volunteer and colleague.

Life Mistake #6:  You keep trying to do it all yourself.

I know, you don’t WANT to do it all yourself, it’s just the people in your life don’t do it right.  You hurry around loading dishwashers, paying bills, packing overnight bags, getting your nails done, cleaning out the car, managing a girlfriend trip, a girl scout meeting a the same time and triumphantly achieving it all or ending the day in a sad little puddle of stress and remorse.  Secretly, though, you feel the stress of the grind.  You train people not to help you and consequently reach the end of each day feeling resentful and exhausted. 

Be smart:  Don’t do it alone.  Figure out how to express your guidelines for success.  Be grateful for the help.  Learn to work as a team or you will burn out.  Don’t expect things to be perfect.  Perfect is boring.  Imperfection is accessible. PLUS, it’s bad for your daughters and your sons.

Life Mistake #7:  You avoid talking about political things, to the point where you aren’t involved.

You hate to argue.  You vote with your eyes and your heart (he looks like a good leader, she seems like us) and your body temperature rises when those around you get passionate about their political beliefs.  You talk a lot about kids and the latest book you read not so much because it’s interesting but because they are safe topics.  You also feel a little out of it, you tend to watch your DVR’d shows during a newscast and you read the local paper to cut out photos of the kids you know.  News is so depressing.

Be smart:  Cultivate the world you live in and do everything you can to leave it in better shape than you left it.  Teach your children and your friends how to gracefully approach conversations with intelligence and research.  Know what is happening, your loving heart may be provoked to make a difference.

Life Mistake #8:  You stop having sex.

You have renamed your sexual organs Sleeping Beauty.  Your fat has further insulated the hibernation.  The lines, the wear and tear, the mileage.  Sex is another obligation and it’s been officially prioritized to the end of the list.

Be smart:  Sex is a vital, essential part of life.  Figure it out, whether you need to resolve some issues in your relationship or take yourself to the doctor.  Expect more out of life, for goodness sake.

Life Mistake #9:  You rip on yourself, especially in the mirror.

Every time you pass a mirror or try on something new, you lament the state of your physique.  This year, the Ponds commercials highlight the extreme unkindness we show ourselves.  The stomach has become a fat magnet.  The thighs jiggle, the arm flags wave.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, you only stare at the parts that aren’t measuring up and  compare yourself to what you once were.

Be smart:  Try not being the worst friend on the planet and treat yourself with respect.  Stop expecting you will maintain your youth forever.  Start valuing other parts of who you are.  Be willing to work towards healthiness.  

There is more, of course.  Not choosing friends that challenge you, financial illiteracy, constantly seeing approval, living in the past or the future.  I just chose the 10 I see most often, things I need to work on myself.  Go back, take a closer look at the list.  Open your heart and your mind for a second and make a decision that will transform 2014.  Choose to treat yourself with the utmost respect.  In the end, you will only have more for those around you.

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