I’m 45 years old. Old enough to have had a few friends come and go. Let me be honest—I have not always been the best friend. Some of my issues have gotten in the way of my ability or understanding of how to connect with others.

No one really teaches you how to be a good friend. I think our parents and teachers thought if they could get us to keep our hands to ourselves, not be openly mean to others, and lend a helping hand once in a while, everything else would fall into place. I wish the adage, “treat others as you want to be treated” worked, but it’s clear it hasn’t.

We run in packs. Packs of people who think like us, dress like us, plan like us. These groups make us feel two important things:

Safety

and significance.

And, when someone steps out of line, we come at them like Lord of the Flies, grown up style. There isn’t much room for weakness or originality among the packs of adults. And even if you are the kindest, most open-hearted individual, you could be engaging in bad behavior to survive. To connect with others. To protect yourself.

As with most “dumb human” tricks, these behaviors don’t actually make it easier. It makes it harder:

for people to be honest with you.

for people to trust you.

for people to depend on you.

for you to depend on others.

for you to trust others.

for you to be honest with others.

See how that works?

Here are FIVE things we need to stop doing to each other.

Be a pack, yes. But don’t destroy yourself or anyone else in the process.

• Sharing private information about someone to “protect” someone else.

I’ll never forget meeting my new neighbor a few years ago, only to find out they already knew about the stress in my marriage. Let me be clear: it wasn’t incorrect. We were struggling—it was the recession and the financial challenges almost made our relationship crumble. It was hard to see the judgment and have to work past that to create a positive relationship with someone I had barely met. It was also difficult to let it go, and forgive someone who honestly had relayed the truth to a neighborhood newbie. It just didn’t help our marriage, which was apparently concerning enough to talk about.

• Pretend you can live someone else’s difficult life better, if you had to.

So you may be one of those people who has never had money problems. So when someone has a lower credit score than you, you assume it’s because they don’t know how to save. Or you have the good fortune of marrying well the first time, or even the second time, and you have some strong opinions about what you would do if you were in your single friend’s shoes. Embedded in your well-meaning advice is judgment. You were given one life to live for a reason. You can’t live parts of an existence. It’s unwise and foolish to assume you could.

• Dismiss the efforts of others.

Unfortunately, I have experienced this far too often to do it to someone else. Something doesn’t look quite right and instead of encouraging the courageous individual, you say things like, “I don’t get what you are doing,” or “are you still doing that,” or “I just don’t get why it’s so darn hard,” or “that seems to work with you.” All designed to tell the other person they are a little crazy, doing something wrong, or aren’t on the right track. Just something to think about: sometimes, that little bit of dismissive discouragement is all someone needs to quit. Do you want that on your conscience? You were the straw that broke the camel’s back. Dig a little deeper. Why do you feel uncomfortable with the path that person is taking? Why do you need them to fit into your box? Unless they are hurting you with their behavior, it should be okay for them to take a path that doesn’t make sense to you. Better yet, why not show a little interest, find out the good they are doing, and encourage them? Let’s face it, the online world is filled with vitriol and ignorance. Seems like it would be a good thing if more people were doing something good, even if you aren’t sure what that is.

• Hiding your true self.

Social media has exacerbated an already normal human need to always put their best foot forward. Back in the day, (you know the 1900’s), it was normal for a parent to stop in the middle of laying into their kids about something (also known as parenting) and completely change their tone to answer the phone with the receptionist voice, “hellooooo, Smith residence.” Dirty laundry was frowned upon. I’m not suggesting you put all your stuff out there, but I am asking that you be authentic. Share your life in real time—not just the happy stuff—every so often, tell us what you are struggling with. Let us celebrate with you later. The lessons will be more meaningful. And, we will be more likely to share with you, depend on you or come to you for advice.

• Keeping your relationships AWAY from what you really care about.

We’ve all done it. You get together with friends when the hubz isn’t around. You call your mom when no one is home. You invite people over when everything is perfect. You never clean in front of anyone. You never put makeup on when someone can see you. You never show emotion because someone might get uncomfortable. You don’t bring your church friends around your work friends. Relationships require attention and priority. And as you grow older, you will start to see why you need them so much. Invest in the people who care about you. Create time and space for authenticity and connection. You’ll appreciate it later. And you need it!

The truth is, we were built for community. But not like this. Our packs should be filled with diversity. Our packs should challenge us. Our packs should strengthen our faith and increase our courage to go out there and be ourselves. Resolve to encourage, connect, make space, lift up, be the best, avoid gossip and admire. Remember, the negative is spreading like wildfire. We need those that are committed to living in their passion to WIN.

Don’t forget, I’m inviting you into the 100 day journey. I believe the last one hundred days are the most powerful days of the year! I believe 100 days can change your life. If you like this, you will fall in love with the content, the group and the daily practice of the 100 day journey. Just go to liznead.com/100days/ to find out more!